"i miss you"

okay, here's another story about the ex.
since he told me to fuck off and leave him alone i did so.

until about six days ago. he messaged me on facebook asking how i was.

this may not seem like a huge deal, but when you're trying to get over someone like that and they make contact with you, well let's just say it caused a huge relapse.

not only did he message me, but two of his friends texted me, he texted two of my friends and he tried to contact me three times.

because i didn't reply he went mad.

i finally went to go and see him, to completely bollock him for trying to get at me through my friends.

i didn't like it.

he cried. a lot. i stayed strong and it was hard but i did it. he apologised for ignoring me for two days when we were still going out because he knows now how it feels.

then he said "i miss you".

why did he do that? he knows i still love him yet he thinks that's a good idea? really?

i don't know what to do to be honest. i can't get over him though. so i guess i'm stuck.

"you were so much happier then"

it's been roughly a month and a few days since me and my boyfriend split up.

still not fun. i can't even look at his pictures? i think i'm mostly angry though, more than upset. i feel like, when i look at his pictures, i'm looking at the thing that stole his face?

when i first met him he was the sweetest guy, he did everything and anything for me, we both went on seperate holidays with our friends and we missed each other SO much.

now? oh he's a massive fucking arsehole now. most people that aren't close with him usually ask me what happened to him. he's so different. and the way i see it, is that an evil thing killed him and stole his body. and is now parading around in said body making a dick of himself.

you guys remember ned?

yeah, i still blame him.

in fact, i reckon ned in all his evilness, shed some of himself, as part of an evil being ritual, and the crap he shed turned out to be more evil which is what stole my boyfriend away from me.

i don't even know him anymore? and i love him. it's absolute madness. in all genuine seriousness, it has driven me crazy.

insanity is defined as repeating the same task over and over again and expecting different results. yeah, that sounds about right. everyday for nine days i sat at my window and expected my ex to appear outside my house. i'm actually insane. it's brilliant.

my best friend said to me yesterday that she never wants to fall in love. personally, i wouldn't advise it. and i've been there. i'm still stuck in it. it's not nice. the guy i fell in love with is dead. he's not here anymore and he won't exist again, and i can't get over it because my stupid heart has decided not to give up. it hurts so badly. how can i not know him anymore!? he was in my life every single day for over six months and now nothing!? it's maddening.

this is more of a rant than anything but i can't really say this to anyone's face because i'm usually interupted with "get over it". excellent.

a few weeks before my ex dumped me, we were going through my myspace photos. there are hundreds of the buggers, all from when i was fifteen/sixteen. that year happened to be one of the most awful in my life yet. i was bullied at school, i fell in love (the first time, why didn't i learn?) and i had my heart broken, among other things. what did my ex say when he saw the photos?

"you were so much happier then..."

are you serious? it was awful, every day i wanted to literally kill myself and every photo is a massive lie where i slapped on a smile so as not to worry my new friends.

looking back?

please. i'll take it. i'll take that pain over this heart ache ANYDAY.

at least then i would know what to avoid.

but then again, if i had the choice of "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind"

would i take it?