"leave me alone"

it's just an absolute take. nowadays, everything has changed. let me be the first to say that i don't like it.

a quarter of my closest friends have fucked off to opposite ends of the country, starting new lives, having an amazing time. i'm either jealous or angry. i think it's both. they're going somewhere with their lives, they have so much fun at university, made new friends. what do i have? none of that.

i saw my ex the other day. big mistake. everything was just like old times, amazing, easy, fun. we kissed + it was electric. two days later it's all the same old shit.

"i've had enough. actually fuck off. leave me alone"

absolutely brilliant.

there is nothing like this. for a while i genuinely didn't believe in heartbreak. i thought, how can your heartbreak just from someone breaking up with you? surely you'd just be sad because they don't love you anymore.

how, how wrong i was. it's not just sad, it's like grieving. the boy i knew, that spent nearly everyday with me for six months has pretty much died. that guy doesn't exist anymore, and i'm quite sure he's not coming back. it's not just that though. i miss him so much. when i'm on my own and i'm left to think by myself, every day i spent with him runs through my head like a movie. it's tearing and i hate it.

i hate loving him and i hate missing him and i hate all of it.

my family is pretty much falling apart. this news coming to you after my idiot dad actually said the words "how would you feel if i left your mother" to me.

how the fuck am i supposed to deal with that? on top of everything, the woman is losing the plot. she drinks way too much, she's an evil bitch, she's spent the last three days accusing my dad of cheating on her and about ten minutes ago she told me i was no asset to her and i was an embarassment. then she proceeded to, once again, kick me out of my house.

my entire life, every aspect, is slowly falling apart. i have nothing left. i had everything i ever wanted three months ago. to the day.

now i have nothing.

the one person that should be next to me isn't. if he was here? i'd be happy.

"you could do so much better"

sidenote:

remember my (ex)boyfriend's friend, the one who i pretty much hate and wasn't in my good books last week?

pretty much has been abandoned.

i've never hated anyone in my life, and i've been bullied, i've had people i love stolen from me by people i thought i could trust. but i've never hated anyone in my life.

until now.

we're gonna call this person "ned"

don't ask why.

but ned? i hate you. you ruin everything. you have so many people that care about you and you alienate them, break them down and destroy them. you are an evil person and people like you don't deserve oxygen. i hope you find love one day, the kind of love that keeps you awake at night. and i hope she doesn't love you back. with most of my being do i hope this. because you're an evil person. i was there for you often enough and all you did was stab me in the back.

let me tell you what ned said to my (ex)boyfriend.

"mate, why are you even with her? you could do so much better than her. she's fat and ugly"

that is a statement coming from the mouth of someone who i thought was one of my closest friends. said to my then boyfriend.

absolutely priceless.

if i'm honest? my ex probably could do better than me. but i could do better than him too. i'm a curvy size ten, with an hourglass figure. most people think i have a gorgeous shape. i may carry a little extra weight occasionally, but sue me, i like cheese in large doses.

but you are wrong about me being ugly. without make up i might look about 12, but i'm not ugly. i'm 5'3 and a half, i'm blonde, blue eyed and very cute. i do everything for everyone else, i put their feelings before my own and i bend over backwards for the people i care about.

no part of me is ugly my friend. you want to take a hard look at yourself before you throw these words around, because you "ned" are absolutely vile. you're a disgusting person, inside and out, and no-one will ever love you, because you're not human enough.

i feel better now.

"give me the phone"

okay.

this, without sounding dramatic, had to have been the worst week of my life so far. i think worse things have happened... but not all at once!?

it starts a week ago. my boyfriend still hadn't spoken to me about the argument we had on friday. i would have figured two days would have been enough time to cool. clearly not. i finally got him on the phone, and all he could say was that he had nothing to say...

to cut a REALLY long story short, i cried down the phone to him, begging him to forgive me and let it go back to normal. in comes my dad. oh yes.

"give me the phone"

yeah, like i'm gonna do that? to be honest, anything he has to say is only gonna go and make everything worse isn't it? so i said "no, fuck off" in a hysterical voice, to which he did. only about five minutes later, i was crying and screaming harder... so daddy came in, prized the phone from my hands while i was still screaming at him to not.

"stop fucking around with my daughter, if you don't want to be with her then don't"

so he didn't. he broke up with me. again. because of what my dad said.

"your dad's right, i keep messing you about. i'm obviously not welcome at your house anymore"

who gives a shit?

it's our relationship not everyone elses, and he throws it away because he's scared.

brilliant.

then to make matters even better, on account of being so miserable AGAIN i was mean to my whole family, who now hate me, along with my mother who dislikes me strongly because i called her a bitch on her birthday.

she was being a bitch though, it was less than two days after i'd been dumped, i was crying and she told me to get out of bed, get ready and stop trying to ruin her day. i apologise for being absolutely distraught. please forgive me.

and obviously i'm not speaking to my dad on account of his heroics. not.

so it's all up in arms at the moment. i had plans to up and leave, but then i had no money and nowhere to go. i was going to see my friend at her uni and live with her for a while but that plan went out the window when my dad wouldn't give me my fucking money.

ugh.

then last night, one of my (ex)boyfriend's friends bought me a rose and told me it was from my ex. HAHAHA THAT'S EXCELLENT.

no it's sick.

i was furious.

anything else wanna come my way? bring it on.