"so this is christmas"

i'm fully aware that most of what i write is pretty much "the chronicles of a broken heart" and maybe that's what i should title my blog. but the initial point of me writing here, is so that i can honestly express my own opinions without anyone giving me crap about it. so here's what i think of christmas.

call me scrooge, call me lame or boring, i don't really care. i do not like christmas.

three or four years ago, it was MY holiday. i lived for it. come december the first, i'd be singing all the songs, wandering around school in my reindeer antlers, not giving a shit who looked at me funny because i LOVED christmas. this year, i wore my antlers and santa-bear socks in irony.

no-one knows the real value of christmas anymore if i'm perfectly honest. in about six hours, spoilt children everywhere will be waking up and rushing into their parents bedroom screaming "PRESENTS". they don't care what happens afterwards, the christmas dinner, the party games, stupid fucking hats that fall out of crackers. they just want their presents. and to be blunt, they probably won't really be that grateful for them.

christmas in my eyes is about spending time with family and friends, having a drink and a laugh and maybe some dinner. tonight was the epitome of my ideal christmas (missing my best friend because she had work, which also added to my un-festive foul mood)

most of the people i hold very dear spent the evening at one of my friends house. considering how close we are, it was pretty much like spending time with family. we all had a drink (some WAY more than others) and sang a lovely song about sexual innuendo, which i personally loved. then we sat down to a nice meal. not a generic turkey dinner with way too much to go with it. bangers and mash. fucking ace if you ask me, simple and not pretentious. loved it. we shared presents, because we're still a little bit commercial. one each. understated, and everyone got something personal. my "little sister" got me a beautiful silver rolling tin, and as a smoker, i freaking loved it. perfect. who the fuck needs thirty eight presents they're gonna forget about in a few weeks? i'm gonna use that damn tin everyday. watch me.

as soon as it hit midnight.

"MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!"
"YAY IT'S CHRISTMAS"
"OH MY GOD, CHRISTMAS! WOOOOO!"

then the songs came out.

"SO HERE IT IS MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYBODY'S HAVING FUN!"
"SO THIS IS CHRISTMAS! AND I HOPE YOU HAVE FUN!"

what the fuck? how am i supposed to have fun on a holiday like this? it's bullshit.

my friend works in a supermarket, and he told us that all the food that "best befores" on christmas day and boxing day was thrown into a huge bin. bags and bags of bread, meat, everything. i'm furious? there's people on the streets of london, freezing to death, starving hungry, completely alone on a holiday which encourages togetherness and this supermarket throws out a shitload of food because it can't be sold on their shelves? it sickens me. i'm almost tempted to go there, steal all the food out of the bins and take it to the shelters, because it's just stupid, pointless waste that could save someone's life.

this is why i don't like christmas. everyone's so about the holiday, the fact that it's a day off work or a week or two off school. it's not about that. not that anyone cares anymore.

it breaks my heart (back to the chronicle) to think that i'm without my ex at christmas. in fact, i'm completely sure that if i was still with him, i'd love every five minutes of christmas. but that's not the case. on the way home tonight, i fantasised about what would have been. boxing day at my house with my entire family, he'd be invited, obviously. we'd play stupid board games, and take the piss out of each other. my ex would make a phenomenal arse of himself and it'd be beautiful. and that's all i can think about.

absolutely fuck you, commercialised holidays. i hate christmas. but i hate it more that i'm alone.

no-one to kiss under the mistletoe, no-one to wake up with or sit by the fire with. it's shit.

a couple of days ago i had my friend deliver him a present. if you've read my previous posts, you'll know the significance of a white rose. so i bought him one white rose. i don't know if it meant anything to him, or if it will change anything, because he hasn't spoken to me. i don't really know what to make of it. but i guess, funnily enough, i'm hoping for a christmas miracle.

i know i talk like i'm the only person in the world with these problems, i know i'm not. but this is how i feel about them, so i'll discuss it, because otherwise i might explode from all the pent up anger.

fuck you christmas. thankyou for making me miserable, once again. at least you never fail to be predictable.