"oh, thanks"

okay so i've neglected the whole blogging thing on a bit of a grand scale, but like i said in my last post, i haven't really needed to vent my feelings when there's someone listening.

but once again something shit has come around that plays on my mind to the point where i need to get it out there, and my buddy's not awake yet...



today is my ex-boyfriend's birthday. not a big deal to be honest, he's 19, it's not reason for a parade. but the thing that frightens me right now is the insecurity i'm experiencing... i know exactly where i'd be right now if i still with my ex... okay, i'm not a genius i don't know where geographically, but i know i'd be with him. it's all so scary when i look at it this way, there's so much i don't know now? before i knew i'd be with him, so i'd be safe and if i was sad, i'd get cheered up. now, i'm kind of floating around in space waiting for something to kind of float past so i can attach myself to it and ground myself.

you see what i mean about this insanity that's going on in my brain?! who thinks like this... in case anyone's wondering, the ex is over me. hurts a lot. i told one of my friend's to take his hoodie back to him because i really shouldn't be holding on to it anymore and i believe his reaction was "oh, thanks". not even a momentary sad look.

of course i'm going to have a really hard day today trying not to think about what could have been, but at the end of the day, i think everybody always thinks about what could have been. and it kills them like it kills me.