"can you just go?"

okay. i hate nothing more than when i lose the internet. to be fair, it was my fault. normally, i'm a computer wiz so when i lost my connection about a week and a half ago, i thought i'd be all technical and go into the router properties. mistake. internet went completely down.

and that's not the only thing that went down.

my god. it's been a fantastic two weeks. not.

people are leaving left right and center. there's only one more to go. it sucks big time.

me and my boyfriend have been arguing non-stop about really stupid stuff. the other day i threw two china plates across my house. dramatic, i know, but i was so angry it was throw plates or throw down. the other day we had a really huge argument. i went to his house to try and make it all better but it just made it worse. now he's really angry at me and he hasn't spoken to me in two days. it's awful.

the worst thing is, i know it's all my fault. i'm pushing him away because i'm a bit of a nightmare to be around (see above comment about plate throwing) but now he won't even talk to me and i'm so scared of losing him.

my dad is my shining knight. when he asked me how everything was going (he's just got back from ANOTHER business trip) i told him what happened and straight away he said "scoob (that's his nickname for me) you need to give him space, if he doesn't want to come out with you then let him do his own thing or you'll push him away"

thanks pop, where have you been!?

jesus, it was so obvious yet no-one else had said it to me. hail to the "y" chromosome.

so i left a long voicemail message with my boyfriend (pre-daddy chats) and i haven't heard anything from him since we argued.

oh, i didn't mention that he told me he didn't love me? god, he was like a completely different person, it was insane. he was like one of his friends, who quite frankly is not in my good books. my boyfriend went out the night we argued and at 3am i got a text from his friend (the one not in my good books) that said "if you love him you'll do what's best and leave him"

WHAT.

don't get involved prick. the longest relationship you've ever had is with your hair. poncy bugger cheats on every girlfriend he somehow gets and terrorises the one's who actually care about him. it's shocking. and he's trying to give me advice? bitch please. what he doesn't know is that my boyfriend secretly hates him. ha. he thinks he knows everything. boy, you know nothing.

so i'm really not entirely sure what's going on. i feel like i'm in limbo. my boyfriend wouldn't cross the threshold to talk to me. just stood half in the doorway. and he wouldn't give me a hug! dude, that sucked. then he said "look, can you just go? i'm going out in a bit" then he proceded to wander round his house talking to his mum and getting ready to go out. so i cried a lot and walked away from the house. my friend had given me a lift to his so she got out the car and gave me a massive hug and when i looked up at the house, boyfriend and his mum were staring at me.

i really hope i don't lose him. especially because of his wanker "friend".

"we need to sort out thursday"

okay, so september comes and everyone leaves.

i have one thing to say about it all: I DO NOT LIKE IT.

everything has changed almost instantly. it's like the summer left and so did everyone else. stupid seasons.

so here's how it goes.

everything was completely fine, amazing actually. i had everything i ever wanted. i had my boyfriend who was perfect. i had the best friends i could ever find, i was going on a beautiful summer holiday with them and i never had to go to school again.

now? i've only just got my boyfriend back, it's a little different but it's still good. i still have my friends, all of them, but they're all changing. my best friend has a bug up her butt about something but she won't tell me what that is... and now everyone's disappearing off to university. i am terrified. my most fashionable friend started today, texting me at 11.30am to tell me that she was already in starbucks talking to an irish boy who was clearly in love with himself. my big brother (who isn't actually my big brother but acts like it) is leaving on saturday.

so far, that's what everyone's focused on. fashionista started uni today, sure, but she's only in london and she's living at home, so we're not losing her. big brother is going to manchester. on saturday. it's going to be so strange. his girlfriend sees him all the time and in our group, next to me and fashionista, she's one of the toughest chicks around. she's a mess without him and it's so sad that they have to be apart...

so on thursday we're all going out for leaving drinks for big brother. i'm not really sure how it's gonna go to be honest, it could be really sad or really fun... i really don't know... i'll let you know.

all i do know is that big brother has been there for two years, helping me with weird problems, giving me cigarettes when i didn't have any, missing school just to go to the park and play on the swings and then back to mine to drink beer. on a monday. i guess i'm also gonna miss the fact that he always looks out for me and does the "big brother conversation" with any guy who comes near me.

but he likes my boyfriend... so i guess i'll be okay.

"i've decided not to care"

i find it really funny how something massive can happen, yet there's a lot of massive not caring that goes with it... yet when something relatively small happens, the biggest fuss usually follows it.

my best friend found out today that there's something not right with her. it's hard to explain, mainly because it wasn't really explained to me very well, but i'm pretty sure even if i had everything written out in crayon i still wouldn't be able to tell it how it is. long story short, her entire genetic make-up is wrong. this has serious implications for her future, her kids are probably going to be affected by it, if she can have any.

but what i find insane, is that she doesn't seem to care?

yeah, there's nothing she can do about it at all but i feel like she should be a little bit more emotional about it. i'm happy that she's not falling apart at the seams but on the other hand, what if she does fall apart at the seams? later. when i'm not there to put everything back together?

this is pretty much what i do. i fix everything. since i was 15, life threw every possible piece of crap my way, so i had to deal with it when i was still a child. but i did, in bad ways, in good ways, in long ways, but i dealt. that's what i bring to my friends. experience in all kinds of shit so that i can help. i always, always help. there are very few times when i haven't had a clue how to help, and in those cases i've got so stressed out, purely because i can't do what i'm good at.

this is one of those times. this is one of those few things i just haven't been through. so i don't know how to help. my other issue is that she's had a lot of stuff to deal with in the last year. a monumental amount of absolute bollocks that no-one should have to deal with in one year, but she did, and she did it well.

now all of a sudden she's taking it out on the people she's holds dearest. maybe it's just the way she needs to cope, but we're her friends and it's almost like she's attacking us. i hate to be horrible about her, she's my best friend, but i suppose here is the only place where i can do it, since she'll never know about it. i hope.

the point is that she's different. since i got back with my boyfriend she hasn't been very forthcoming. one of my other friends really likes her and she completely crushed him yesterday without even batting an eyelid. her exact words today were "i've decided not to care". ouch.

i don't know, maybe it is her way of dealing with stuff, but if i'm completely honest, i'd rather she didn't. i'd rather she cried into my shoulder or went out and got drunk or whatever, but right now she needs people and i'm very worried that she's going to push people away.

"you too"

okay.

here's where it all starts. this is what's bothering me right now. normally, i'd post a really cryptic yet pointed status on facebook which expresses my feelings. however, last time i did that, it smacked me in the face. so now, i have absolutely no way of talking about how i feel without getting into trouble. except here. no-one knows my real name and no-one will know the people i'm talking about. safe, yes?

"you too"

in any respect, it's pretty blunt isn't it?

"have a lovely time!"
"you too"

it kind of feels like they don't care whether you have a good time, or to be quite frank, they don't want you to have a good time. they just want you to leave.

recently, i had a major breakup with my boyfriend. granted, we were only together for roughly five months, but still i loved him. so when we broke up, it came as a massive shock to me. he treated me like an angel, he told me i was his world, and the way he looked at me was amazing. even when i'd stayed over at his and i looked like absolute shit when i woke up, he'd still tell me i was beautiful.

so he broke up with me. i never thought anything could hurt that much. it honestly felt like one of my arms fell off. i begged him to stay with me, on my hands and knees no less (not my finest hour) and still he said sorry and walked out.

we're back together now. after a couple of weeks, a lot of tantrums, tears, texts and confusion, we are back together. he says he loves me and everything but it's so different now, i don't know what to do.

before, he'd do anything and everything for me. at the drop of a hat. now, he wants to keep his distance from me. he said "i need to miss you to love you". funny, i didn't realise love was conditional. it's awful, he feels sick when he's with me, feels sick when he's not with me, and now i feel sick without him too. it's so messed up.

has anyone ever been through this? because i'm not sure i can handle it.

me: i love you so much.
boyfriend: you too.

dude. not cool.