for you.

i've had a really bad, weak day.
my ex-boyfriend has been on my mind constantly. i think it's because the 8th is coming up, it would have been our eight month anniversary. seems stupid doesn't it? how much i talk about him and how much i love him, yet i wasn't with him that long. it makes it worse, to know how hard and fast i fell.

i can never talk to him again. the rose, the new year's eve message. he didn't care about them, and they were the only weapons left in my arsenal. i genuinely believed that the rose would trigger something, but there he is on facebook discussing his summer holiday plans with the lads. he's probably gonna get so drunk he won't remember his name, then he'll go and fuck a lot of girls and turn into his stupid wanker of a friend. if that doesn't happen, it'll be because he's found a new beautiful girlfriend, who's super cool and super fun and works in all fucking saints which is so perfect cos he loves it there. i can't talk to him. it's way too hard to even see him, let alone try and form sentences in front of him.

so i'll ramble for a while on here about all the stuff i wish i could say to him. and maybe, one day, someone will read this, and know i wrote it, and show him. and maybe it'll make a difference cos he'll be sat reading this thinking "damn, she really, really loved me"

so babe, this is for you:


i miss you. i really miss you. i'm still angry at you from the time you got so upset with me because i said i hadn't fallen for you. you know you made me drop my guard for you and trust you with my life so i could love you, then you left me? it doesn't make sense. and we were fine? before we went on holiday, we didn't want to leave your bed, we were both in tears because we knew we'd miss each other and we spent half of our holidays miserable because we weren't together. for fuck sake, you got off the plane and came straight to mine, suitcase in hand... doesn't that mean anything? i don't understand? if you really loved me, you still do now, because you don't just stop loving someone. i'm sorry you don't. the only reason i stopped loving the first person i loved is because you told me i could trust you. i dropped my guard and you became, pretty much, my whole life. i would have given up everything for you, i wanted to be with you forever. i know it sounds mental, crazy, stupid etcetc but whatever, i was so happy, and i thought you were happy too? yeah, i know we argued and often enough i was a fucking nightmare, but to be honest, all girls are nightmares. i think i was fairly reasonable. i still cry when i get too stuck in my thoughts, and all i can think about is how, whenever i used to cry, you'd just pull me into your lap and i would feel so unbelievably safe, nothing could touch me. where did you go, babe? you're still you, somewhere in there, i know you are. something's just possessed you for a while, please come back? i have constant reminders of you everywhere. you wouldn't let me give back the necklace. so now my most prized possession, comes from you, and it sits just next to my heart. everyday. i've said all this before, but maybe if you saw this it'd be different. probably not, but it's worth a shot. plus, i'm going out of my mind with insomnia and other stress/emotion related issues so i have nothing else to do than to  tell my feelings to an empty screen, because no-one else will listen to me anymore. i get "get over him", "you can do so much better", "why were you with him", "i don't understand why you loved him so much". my replies are usually "i'm trying, believe me, but it's not working", "what does that even mean?", "because he was amazing" and "because my heart is stupid". i don't know why i love you so damn much, but i fucking do. i miss everything about you. especially kissing you. because quite frankly, the entire fucking world dropped away when you kissed me. and holding your face in my hands, knowing you were mine. and waking up next to you. all these things i miss so much, and nothing hurts more than a broken heart, and knowing i had everything i ever wanted and i had it taken from me. and i probably can't ever have it back. because i can't trust anyone else, ever again. and i don't want to fall in love again. and i don't want to be in love, because you don't love me back. that kills, like actually hurts. i'm still waiting for you. i still love you as much as i did when i first told you. i love you so much. you'll probably never read this, but it's good to pretend that you might. in fact, you might even read it the second i post it, who knows? because you'll never tell me. i'm sorry i lost you, babe. it's the worst thing that's ever happened to me, i promise. i love you.