"you are my world"

so i've had a thought. or a few, i'm not sure yet. don't you find it strange, how someone or something can mean the entire world to you, then all of a sudden, it's like they never existed?

i'm not explaining myself very well, but i'll warn you now that i've broken my new year's resolution of trying not to think about my ex 24/7. i broke that in the first five minutes of 2011 if i'm fairly honest.

but here's my thought. back in august, my ex took me to the cinema with a few of our friends. nothing major obviously, but he paid for everything, and that's important to me. yeah, i'll sponge money off my friends and stuff, but when i have cash, i'll give it back. when my ex took me to the cinema he paid for my ticket, his ticket and a ticket which was supposed to go to my friend but she couldn't come. i offered to pay but he said no. fair enough? then he paid for the snacks. i love food, i eat a lot. he's allergic to popcorn, so i made a point to never eat it when i'm around him, but even though it meant he couldn't kiss me for three or so hours, he still bought me a hench box of popcorn, and sweets, and one of those pink fizzy slushie drinks. that to me, was the sweetest thing! so, we're at the pub with my lot in the evening, and i'm saying i'll pay for the next one, and he hugely declined.

"you're not paying for anything, i like treating you"

sweet yeah? so i'm trying to think of ways to pay him back, and they get ridiculous...

"can i buy you... dinner?"
"nope"
"can i buy you... a new watch?"
"er... no!"
"can i buy you a pony!"
"no!"
"can i buy you... the world?"

and this, this really choked me up. it's the most amazing thing anyone's ever said to me.

"you are my world"

so casual but with full intention. i was so shocked and so filled with love. cheesy i know, but it was amazing.

now? i get replies like "you too" and i'm fairly sure he doesn't think about me like i think about him at all. it's crazy, right? five months ago, i was his everything. now i'm just his ex. it's so weird, to think that that person was someone i knew better than anyone, i'd never been closer to anyone and now i don't even know him. i know i keep blathering on about him, but it still hurts like hell.

getting over him is proving to be the hardest thing i have ever done in my life. it's not working. i miss him so much and i still love him as much as i always did.




also, one of my friend's friends was at a party with me last monday. we were very drunk and i'm pretty sure he was stoned/coked out of his mind as well, but we ended up having very deep, philosophical life discussions. turns out i understand him very well. we got close and ended up kissing and then he really started spilling the secrets. but the funny thing is, he told me in different ways how he needed me because i understood him and how i was amazing and beautiful and how i could never leave him because he'd go insane without me to ground him etcetc.

haven't heard a word from him since.

it's fun to feel completely useless, replaceable and unimportant... and this comment is suitable for both thoughts.

i honestly wonder if i will ever be as happy as i was with my ex ever again.