"i still care and he doesn't"

i should not care.

it's been a year. may 8th should have been our year. it wasn't. it was nothing. that's how he probably thought of it. just another day.

to me, it was sky falling, volcano erupting, "oh fuck, a tidal wave" of pure shit. i can't stand the fact that i still care and he doesn't. he gets to move on with his life, having a great time, while i literally sit at home and do nothing but think about him. i've fucked up my life so much because of how miserable i am.

the best part? no-one cares. no-one even reads this. standard.

"oh, thanks"

okay so i've neglected the whole blogging thing on a bit of a grand scale, but like i said in my last post, i haven't really needed to vent my feelings when there's someone listening.

but once again something shit has come around that plays on my mind to the point where i need to get it out there, and my buddy's not awake yet...

"six horrible months"

hi, it's been a while?

well this is actually down the fact that i've got back in contact with someone i used to go to sixth form with and all of a sudden he's one of my most valuable friends. and, he's the only one that listens to me talk about my ex for hours and hours and doesn't get bored or fed up with it. he's such a saviour.

hence why i haven't needed to blog on here for a while, because i kind of have nothing to say.

but it's been an exceptionally shite week and bless his heart, chats with him just don't cut it this time.

"i'm a bitch"

i've decided/realised that i'm a bitch.

not only do i seem to go out of my way to make myself miserable, in the process i hurt other people too.

i push people away whilst trying to get closer to them.

i'm like a fucking stinging nettle.

"in a relationship"

i've been thinking about the concept of moving on quite a lot today.

tomorrow i'm taking my driving test. i am absolutely shitting myself. firstly, because i can't drive. secondly, because i've always loved driving and always wanted to drive and i really don't want to fail. if i pass tomorrow, it'll start a whole new branch in my life? i know it doesn't sound like much but a pink driver's license symbolises freedom, and says "hey, there's something i can do". i don't have a car yet, but as soon as i do, my god i'm gonna drive so far away i won't be able to get back.

on top of that, i have to deal with something new. the guy i've been seeing, i think i referred to him as the "super cute, super funny, proper lad"? well i've spent a lot of time with him this week, and last night he got drunk at my house while i had some friends over and for his own safety i suggested he spend the night. for those with dirty minds similar to mine, nothing happened. but i had a really vivid nightmare about the ex. oh yeah, he's still on my mind. in the dream, everyone was still at my house, and when my mum came home she told me that my ex was outside... when i opened the door he was blind drunk and shouting at me for moving on with someone new... it was so real, it's unbelievable. as of recent, my dreams have been so vivid, i'm starting to believe that i leave my body and go to an alternate universe when i sleep, and my dreams are actually real. so when i woke up from the nightmare about my ex, the first thing i did was gasp very loudly and  flail, to then have my arm caught my SCSFPL (super cute, super funny, proper lad) which shocked me even more because i completely forgot he was in my bed! not cool.

to top things off, he's changed his facebook status to "in a relationship". one, we have not discussed this. two, i am no-where near ready to be in another relationship. three, i'm still head over heels, heart-breakingly in love with my ex.

my head is genuinely going to explode.

"what goes up must come down"

anyone reading this who's used to me being pretty miserable. i'm happy!

how unusual is that!? in most part down to the "super cute, super funny, proper lad" i met the other week :)

that whole thing with what my ex's friend said to me a couple of weeks ago made me feel massively shit, but i've been talking to the new dude quite a lot and hanging out with him a fair amount. he's really nice! and actually very shy, which is extra cute... it's going well so far, i like that fact that he's older (only by two years) because i'm so tired of immature people who can't handle anything (cough-ex-cough)

on top of finding "super cute, super funny, proper lad" i had a job interview today for a really good job which could earn me a shit load of money! it's going okay at the moment, but i'm really scared... in my experience, what goes up must come down...

gods of fate? hi, it's me. just wondering if i could stay in a good mood for a while, i need it. thanks :)

side note: i need to stop drinking: i've gained weight like crazy and i can't seem to go a day without a drink D: it's becoming a problem, so wish me luck because tomorrow i get really, REALLY sober. only downside to my life right now, my hugeness.

other side note: i don't know if i'm writing soliloquies or monologues here... is anyone listening?

"he's moved on"

okay, so the other day, i was with my ex's friend. i was telling him how i'd had a really rough week with regards to the whole "ex" thing... then he said this:

"he's moved on, you should too"

okay, great, that's exactly what i want to hear. my mind immediately jumped to the annoying fucking bitch who's super pretty and works in all saints. fantastic.

i was devastated and i had to leave at once, so i did. and then i cried all the way down the high street. how embarassing.

my new approach to life is as follows:

i used to be the girl who "fell in love" every five minutes with someone new. so i'm going to stay that way. i like that way. that way is safe.

i stopped seeing the guy from a few weeks ago. it wasn't fair to him, he was way too nice for me at this moment in time so i called it all off. but a new dude has appeared on the horizon.

he's super cute, super funny, a proper lad and apparently very into me.

i'm telling myself that over and over again so that i don't think about my ex and this girl. that would lead to falling apart. i can't afford that right now.

anyone who has ever had their heart broken? please give me strength right now. because this is the hardest thing i think i will have to do ever. in my life. i've never done anything more difficult than this.

for you.

i've had a really bad, weak day.
my ex-boyfriend has been on my mind constantly. i think it's because the 8th is coming up, it would have been our eight month anniversary. seems stupid doesn't it? how much i talk about him and how much i love him, yet i wasn't with him that long. it makes it worse, to know how hard and fast i fell.

i can never talk to him again. the rose, the new year's eve message. he didn't care about them, and they were the only weapons left in my arsenal. i genuinely believed that the rose would trigger something, but there he is on facebook discussing his summer holiday plans with the lads. he's probably gonna get so drunk he won't remember his name, then he'll go and fuck a lot of girls and turn into his stupid wanker of a friend. if that doesn't happen, it'll be because he's found a new beautiful girlfriend, who's super cool and super fun and works in all fucking saints which is so perfect cos he loves it there. i can't talk to him. it's way too hard to even see him, let alone try and form sentences in front of him.

so i'll ramble for a while on here about all the stuff i wish i could say to him. and maybe, one day, someone will read this, and know i wrote it, and show him. and maybe it'll make a difference cos he'll be sat reading this thinking "damn, she really, really loved me"

so babe, this is for you:

"how can i move on when i'm still in love with you?"

the script know what they're talking about.

the script - the man who can't be moved


going back to the corner where i first saw you
gonna camp in my sleeping bag i'm not gonna move
got some words on cardboard, got your picture in my hand
saying, "if you see this girl can you tell her where i am?"

some try to hand me money, they don't understand
i'm not broke i'm just a broken hearted man
i know it makes no sense but what else can i do?
how can i move on when i'm still in love with you?

"you are my world"

so i've had a thought. or a few, i'm not sure yet. don't you find it strange, how someone or something can mean the entire world to you, then all of a sudden, it's like they never existed?

i'm not explaining myself very well, but i'll warn you now that i've broken my new year's resolution of trying not to think about my ex 24/7. i broke that in the first five minutes of 2011 if i'm fairly honest.

but here's my thought. back in august, my ex took me to the cinema with a few of our friends. nothing major obviously, but he paid for everything, and that's important to me. yeah, i'll sponge money off my friends and stuff, but when i have cash, i'll give it back. when my ex took me to the cinema he paid for my ticket, his ticket and a ticket which was supposed to go to my friend but she couldn't come. i offered to pay but he said no. fair enough? then he paid for the snacks. i love food, i eat a lot. he's allergic to popcorn, so i made a point to never eat it when i'm around him, but even though it meant he couldn't kiss me for three or so hours, he still bought me a hench box of popcorn, and sweets, and one of those pink fizzy slushie drinks. that to me, was the sweetest thing! so, we're at the pub with my lot in the evening, and i'm saying i'll pay for the next one, and he hugely declined.

"you're not paying for anything, i like treating you"

sweet yeah? so i'm trying to think of ways to pay him back, and they get ridiculous...

"can i buy you... dinner?"
"nope"
"can i buy you... a new watch?"
"er... no!"
"can i buy you a pony!"
"no!"
"can i buy you... the world?"

and this, this really choked me up. it's the most amazing thing anyone's ever said to me.

"you are my world"

so casual but with full intention. i was so shocked and so filled with love. cheesy i know, but it was amazing.

now? i get replies like "you too" and i'm fairly sure he doesn't think about me like i think about him at all. it's crazy, right? five months ago, i was his everything. now i'm just his ex. it's so weird, to think that that person was someone i knew better than anyone, i'd never been closer to anyone and now i don't even know him. i know i keep blathering on about him, but it still hurts like hell.

getting over him is proving to be the hardest thing i have ever done in my life. it's not working. i miss him so much and i still love him as much as i always did.

"you too"

happy new year everyone! i hope you all partied hard last night.

embarrassingly, it got to about half past 1 and i definitely needed a nap. i wasn't the funnest i could have been last night. in fact i was so god-damn boring that two people genuinely didn't realise i was lying on the couch and they sat on me. brilliant.

i texted the ex last night to say happy new year, just to be nice.

"happy new year ___, hope you have a good one xox"

the reply?

"you too x"

FANTASTIC.

y'all remember how i feel about "you too". it's just pure not giving a shit if i'm fairly honest. and this morning i woke up from a horrible nightmare about him. even more fantastic. however, not before my best friend jumped on me at 5am to say happy new year, as she only just got to the party after work then. people need to know that i absolutely cannot be woken up because it pulls my dreams into reality and makes them all horrible, horrible nightmares. as she jumped on me, i woke up, screamed, then smacked her in the face.

it's fine though, she said she should have known better.

overall, a fairly average start to the year. let's hope it will only go up from here.

after all, i did get a call from a lovely boy at midnight :) made everything seem less terrible.