"mmxi"

oh and, by the way.

i hope y'all have an amazing year too.

apart from the person i hate. i hope all the pain you inflicted this year comes back to bite you in the next.

"start all over"

new year's eve. you definitely snuck up on me. a year ago to the day, i was getting ready to go to my friend's house for her very secret but equally as huge party. if i'd have known that 2010 would kick me in the arse the way it did... i would have done something a lot more different.

so when it hits midnight tonight, that's it. i'm gonna start all over. i'm gonna reinvent myself, and as much as i love my ex-boyfriend, i'm going to make a massive effort to get over him and not talk about him as much. i'm gonna eat better and exercise more (that one will probably go out the window around the 3rd of january... and that's me being generous...) and i'm going to make more memories.

i found that since i turned 18, my life has literally skated past me... five months seems like five minutes... i've had a birthday, gone on holiday, broken up with my boyfriend... then got back together... then broken up... then got back together... then broken up for the last time. it's all a blur, and i can't remember where a lot of my year and life has gone. therefore, i'm going to make memories and when i'm sat here in a year's time, i can look back and safely say "i've had a great year"

because i damn well can't do it now.

"so this is christmas"

i'm fully aware that most of what i write is pretty much "the chronicles of a broken heart" and maybe that's what i should title my blog. but the initial point of me writing here, is so that i can honestly express my own opinions without anyone giving me crap about it. so here's what i think of christmas.

call me scrooge, call me lame or boring, i don't really care. i do not like christmas.

three or four years ago, it was MY holiday. i lived for it. come december the first, i'd be singing all the songs, wandering around school in my reindeer antlers, not giving a shit who looked at me funny because i LOVED christmas. this year, i wore my antlers and santa-bear socks in irony.

no-one knows the real value of christmas anymore if i'm perfectly honest. in about six hours, spoilt children everywhere will be waking up and rushing into their parents bedroom screaming "PRESENTS". they don't care what happens afterwards, the christmas dinner, the party games, stupid fucking hats that fall out of crackers. they just want their presents. and to be blunt, they probably won't really be that grateful for them.

christmas in my eyes is about spending time with family and friends, having a drink and a laugh and maybe some dinner. tonight was the epitome of my ideal christmas (missing my best friend because she had work, which also added to my un-festive foul mood)

most of the people i hold very dear spent the evening at one of my friends house. considering how close we are, it was pretty much like spending time with family. we all had a drink (some WAY more than others) and sang a lovely song about sexual innuendo, which i personally loved. then we sat down to a nice meal. not a generic turkey dinner with way too much to go with it. bangers and mash. fucking ace if you ask me, simple and not pretentious. loved it. we shared presents, because we're still a little bit commercial. one each. understated, and everyone got something personal. my "little sister" got me a beautiful silver rolling tin, and as a smoker, i freaking loved it. perfect. who the fuck needs thirty eight presents they're gonna forget about in a few weeks? i'm gonna use that damn tin everyday. watch me.

as soon as it hit midnight.

"MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!"
"YAY IT'S CHRISTMAS"
"OH MY GOD, CHRISTMAS! WOOOOO!"

then the songs came out.

"SO HERE IT IS MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYBODY'S HAVING FUN!"
"SO THIS IS CHRISTMAS! AND I HOPE YOU HAVE FUN!"

what the fuck? how am i supposed to have fun on a holiday like this? it's bullshit.

my friend works in a supermarket, and he told us that all the food that "best befores" on christmas day and boxing day was thrown into a huge bin. bags and bags of bread, meat, everything. i'm furious? there's people on the streets of london, freezing to death, starving hungry, completely alone on a holiday which encourages togetherness and this supermarket throws out a shitload of food because it can't be sold on their shelves? it sickens me. i'm almost tempted to go there, steal all the food out of the bins and take it to the shelters, because it's just stupid, pointless waste that could save someone's life.

this is why i don't like christmas. everyone's so about the holiday, the fact that it's a day off work or a week or two off school. it's not about that. not that anyone cares anymore.

it breaks my heart (back to the chronicle) to think that i'm without my ex at christmas. in fact, i'm completely sure that if i was still with him, i'd love every five minutes of christmas. but that's not the case. on the way home tonight, i fantasised about what would have been. boxing day at my house with my entire family, he'd be invited, obviously. we'd play stupid board games, and take the piss out of each other. my ex would make a phenomenal arse of himself and it'd be beautiful. and that's all i can think about.

absolutely fuck you, commercialised holidays. i hate christmas. but i hate it more that i'm alone.

no-one to kiss under the mistletoe, no-one to wake up with or sit by the fire with. it's shit.

a couple of days ago i had my friend deliver him a present. if you've read my previous posts, you'll know the significance of a white rose. so i bought him one white rose. i don't know if it meant anything to him, or if it will change anything, because he hasn't spoken to me. i don't really know what to make of it. but i guess, funnily enough, i'm hoping for a christmas miracle.

i know i talk like i'm the only person in the world with these problems, i know i'm not. but this is how i feel about them, so i'll discuss it, because otherwise i might explode from all the pent up anger.

fuck you christmas. thankyou for making me miserable, once again. at least you never fail to be predictable.

"soz luv"

this is quite funny, you absolutely have to hear this. it's ridiculous.

so a couple of months ago i met this guy through one of my close friends. he's gorgeous and cocky but in the good way, or so i thought.

we got together at a friends house and i thought everything was fine. except they weren't because he was definitely seeing someone else.

but regardless, we kept messing around for the next few weeks. until he disappeared off to pilot academy and it all died down after he texted me saying he wanted to be with the other girl permanently.

after what happened to me with my ex, this was absolutely nothing, so i wasn't really that badly affected by it.

then, his little girlfriend broke up with him. guess who gets a text? ...is it me? of course it is.

so we start texting again, he comes home for the weekend and comes to see me. things kick off again. we spend a whole week texting each other, and he sent graphic texts. all were filled with just how much he wanted me. until he came home and couldn't give me five minutes...

"sorry, i've got mates round"
"sorry, these girls are staying at mine"

bullshit. he's such a twat it's unbelievable.

the best part? we were supposed to go to a party at our friend's house, where his ex-girlfriend would be. he said he was gonna try and go to it, but he'd leave early since he had to drive back to university.

funny how he said he couldn't go... and then his ex didn't show up? even though all her friends said she was supposed to?

i texted him saying "you should have come to the party tonight"

to which his reply was

"soz luv"

OH WOW. there is just way too much feeling in that for me to handle. what a joke.

that was four days ago, and just now have i received a message from him saying "alright baaaaabes, sorry i ain't spoken to you, i've been busy"

give a fuck mate. i so can't be asked to be dicked around by you.
see you later.

"may i cut in?"

you know how sometimes, you have a MONUMENTALLY shit time.
i've had a monumentally shit six months.
at the start of 2010, i genuinely said to myself "okay. here it is. this is your year, make it happen"

january was spent hung up on someone who i thought was god. clearly he was not. in the slightest. in fact, he was a bit of a knob. thankfully, we're friends now, and when i look back i think "i seriously cried over him? foolish girl"

february was kind of that "here we go again, valentines day approaches. fuck everyone".
however, i spent the 14th with my best friend, we ate our weight in junk food and got pretty drunk. not too bad.

march. oh march. the start of all of my happiness, and subsequently all of my problems. on march 20th, i shared the first kiss i had with the guy who currently means more to me than anyone else in the entire world.

april, may, june and july. all beautiful. may 8th, me and my boyfriend became an "official" couple, whatever that means. we were a lovely couple, and he was so sweet to me. when we both went on holiday with our friends, we missed each other like crazy and that's when i finally realised that i loved him.

side note: portugal with eleven of your closest friends, in an absolutely beautiful villa? nirvana.

august. ruined my life.

i shouldn't be ungrateful. i was thrown seven months of heaven... and apparently it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all? whoever said that clearly never went through heartbreak.

the last five months have been agony.

heartbreak, insomnia, nightmares, tears.

until six days ago :)

last thursday one of my friends took me to go and see lady gaga in concert. she was incredible and inspirational and completed lifted my spirits.

friday, saturday and sunday were filled with parties and drinks with my friends having an awesome time.

monday. i met someone absolutely amazing.

one of my best friends threw a party for christmas and his friend from university was there.

this guy was incredible? he's gorgeous, he's funny, he's smart and he's just about the nicest boy i've ever met in my entire life. he came over to dance with me and genuinely said the words "may i cut in?". just how cute is that?!

plus, i was stupidly drunk, and he didn't try and take advantage of me? that's unusual for me.

i love talking to him, he's such a great guy... and even though i'm not over my ex, i'm hoping that this guy is gonna help me.

2011. it's gonna be my year.

"i miss you"

okay, here's another story about the ex.
since he told me to fuck off and leave him alone i did so.

until about six days ago. he messaged me on facebook asking how i was.

this may not seem like a huge deal, but when you're trying to get over someone like that and they make contact with you, well let's just say it caused a huge relapse.

not only did he message me, but two of his friends texted me, he texted two of my friends and he tried to contact me three times.

because i didn't reply he went mad.

i finally went to go and see him, to completely bollock him for trying to get at me through my friends.

i didn't like it.

he cried. a lot. i stayed strong and it was hard but i did it. he apologised for ignoring me for two days when we were still going out because he knows now how it feels.

then he said "i miss you".

why did he do that? he knows i still love him yet he thinks that's a good idea? really?

i don't know what to do to be honest. i can't get over him though. so i guess i'm stuck.

"you were so much happier then"

it's been roughly a month and a few days since me and my boyfriend split up.

still not fun. i can't even look at his pictures? i think i'm mostly angry though, more than upset. i feel like, when i look at his pictures, i'm looking at the thing that stole his face?

when i first met him he was the sweetest guy, he did everything and anything for me, we both went on seperate holidays with our friends and we missed each other SO much.

now? oh he's a massive fucking arsehole now. most people that aren't close with him usually ask me what happened to him. he's so different. and the way i see it, is that an evil thing killed him and stole his body. and is now parading around in said body making a dick of himself.

you guys remember ned?

yeah, i still blame him.

in fact, i reckon ned in all his evilness, shed some of himself, as part of an evil being ritual, and the crap he shed turned out to be more evil which is what stole my boyfriend away from me.

i don't even know him anymore? and i love him. it's absolute madness. in all genuine seriousness, it has driven me crazy.

insanity is defined as repeating the same task over and over again and expecting different results. yeah, that sounds about right. everyday for nine days i sat at my window and expected my ex to appear outside my house. i'm actually insane. it's brilliant.

my best friend said to me yesterday that she never wants to fall in love. personally, i wouldn't advise it. and i've been there. i'm still stuck in it. it's not nice. the guy i fell in love with is dead. he's not here anymore and he won't exist again, and i can't get over it because my stupid heart has decided not to give up. it hurts so badly. how can i not know him anymore!? he was in my life every single day for over six months and now nothing!? it's maddening.

this is more of a rant than anything but i can't really say this to anyone's face because i'm usually interupted with "get over it". excellent.

a few weeks before my ex dumped me, we were going through my myspace photos. there are hundreds of the buggers, all from when i was fifteen/sixteen. that year happened to be one of the most awful in my life yet. i was bullied at school, i fell in love (the first time, why didn't i learn?) and i had my heart broken, among other things. what did my ex say when he saw the photos?

"you were so much happier then..."

are you serious? it was awful, every day i wanted to literally kill myself and every photo is a massive lie where i slapped on a smile so as not to worry my new friends.

looking back?

please. i'll take it. i'll take that pain over this heart ache ANYDAY.

at least then i would know what to avoid.

but then again, if i had the choice of "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind"

would i take it?

"leave me alone"

it's just an absolute take. nowadays, everything has changed. let me be the first to say that i don't like it.

a quarter of my closest friends have fucked off to opposite ends of the country, starting new lives, having an amazing time. i'm either jealous or angry. i think it's both. they're going somewhere with their lives, they have so much fun at university, made new friends. what do i have? none of that.

i saw my ex the other day. big mistake. everything was just like old times, amazing, easy, fun. we kissed + it was electric. two days later it's all the same old shit.

"i've had enough. actually fuck off. leave me alone"

absolutely brilliant.

there is nothing like this. for a while i genuinely didn't believe in heartbreak. i thought, how can your heartbreak just from someone breaking up with you? surely you'd just be sad because they don't love you anymore.

how, how wrong i was. it's not just sad, it's like grieving. the boy i knew, that spent nearly everyday with me for six months has pretty much died. that guy doesn't exist anymore, and i'm quite sure he's not coming back. it's not just that though. i miss him so much. when i'm on my own and i'm left to think by myself, every day i spent with him runs through my head like a movie. it's tearing and i hate it.

i hate loving him and i hate missing him and i hate all of it.

my family is pretty much falling apart. this news coming to you after my idiot dad actually said the words "how would you feel if i left your mother" to me.

how the fuck am i supposed to deal with that? on top of everything, the woman is losing the plot. she drinks way too much, she's an evil bitch, she's spent the last three days accusing my dad of cheating on her and about ten minutes ago she told me i was no asset to her and i was an embarassment. then she proceeded to, once again, kick me out of my house.

my entire life, every aspect, is slowly falling apart. i have nothing left. i had everything i ever wanted three months ago. to the day.

now i have nothing.

the one person that should be next to me isn't. if he was here? i'd be happy.

"you could do so much better"

sidenote:

remember my (ex)boyfriend's friend, the one who i pretty much hate and wasn't in my good books last week?

pretty much has been abandoned.

i've never hated anyone in my life, and i've been bullied, i've had people i love stolen from me by people i thought i could trust. but i've never hated anyone in my life.

until now.

we're gonna call this person "ned"

don't ask why.

but ned? i hate you. you ruin everything. you have so many people that care about you and you alienate them, break them down and destroy them. you are an evil person and people like you don't deserve oxygen. i hope you find love one day, the kind of love that keeps you awake at night. and i hope she doesn't love you back. with most of my being do i hope this. because you're an evil person. i was there for you often enough and all you did was stab me in the back.

let me tell you what ned said to my (ex)boyfriend.

"mate, why are you even with her? you could do so much better than her. she's fat and ugly"

that is a statement coming from the mouth of someone who i thought was one of my closest friends. said to my then boyfriend.

absolutely priceless.

if i'm honest? my ex probably could do better than me. but i could do better than him too. i'm a curvy size ten, with an hourglass figure. most people think i have a gorgeous shape. i may carry a little extra weight occasionally, but sue me, i like cheese in large doses.

but you are wrong about me being ugly. without make up i might look about 12, but i'm not ugly. i'm 5'3 and a half, i'm blonde, blue eyed and very cute. i do everything for everyone else, i put their feelings before my own and i bend over backwards for the people i care about.

no part of me is ugly my friend. you want to take a hard look at yourself before you throw these words around, because you "ned" are absolutely vile. you're a disgusting person, inside and out, and no-one will ever love you, because you're not human enough.

i feel better now.

"give me the phone"

okay.

this, without sounding dramatic, had to have been the worst week of my life so far. i think worse things have happened... but not all at once!?

it starts a week ago. my boyfriend still hadn't spoken to me about the argument we had on friday. i would have figured two days would have been enough time to cool. clearly not. i finally got him on the phone, and all he could say was that he had nothing to say...

to cut a REALLY long story short, i cried down the phone to him, begging him to forgive me and let it go back to normal. in comes my dad. oh yes.

"give me the phone"

yeah, like i'm gonna do that? to be honest, anything he has to say is only gonna go and make everything worse isn't it? so i said "no, fuck off" in a hysterical voice, to which he did. only about five minutes later, i was crying and screaming harder... so daddy came in, prized the phone from my hands while i was still screaming at him to not.

"stop fucking around with my daughter, if you don't want to be with her then don't"

so he didn't. he broke up with me. again. because of what my dad said.

"your dad's right, i keep messing you about. i'm obviously not welcome at your house anymore"

who gives a shit?

it's our relationship not everyone elses, and he throws it away because he's scared.

brilliant.

then to make matters even better, on account of being so miserable AGAIN i was mean to my whole family, who now hate me, along with my mother who dislikes me strongly because i called her a bitch on her birthday.

she was being a bitch though, it was less than two days after i'd been dumped, i was crying and she told me to get out of bed, get ready and stop trying to ruin her day. i apologise for being absolutely distraught. please forgive me.

and obviously i'm not speaking to my dad on account of his heroics. not.

so it's all up in arms at the moment. i had plans to up and leave, but then i had no money and nowhere to go. i was going to see my friend at her uni and live with her for a while but that plan went out the window when my dad wouldn't give me my fucking money.

ugh.

then last night, one of my (ex)boyfriend's friends bought me a rose and told me it was from my ex. HAHAHA THAT'S EXCELLENT.

no it's sick.

i was furious.

anything else wanna come my way? bring it on.

"can you just go?"

okay. i hate nothing more than when i lose the internet. to be fair, it was my fault. normally, i'm a computer wiz so when i lost my connection about a week and a half ago, i thought i'd be all technical and go into the router properties. mistake. internet went completely down.

and that's not the only thing that went down.

my god. it's been a fantastic two weeks. not.

people are leaving left right and center. there's only one more to go. it sucks big time.

me and my boyfriend have been arguing non-stop about really stupid stuff. the other day i threw two china plates across my house. dramatic, i know, but i was so angry it was throw plates or throw down. the other day we had a really huge argument. i went to his house to try and make it all better but it just made it worse. now he's really angry at me and he hasn't spoken to me in two days. it's awful.

the worst thing is, i know it's all my fault. i'm pushing him away because i'm a bit of a nightmare to be around (see above comment about plate throwing) but now he won't even talk to me and i'm so scared of losing him.

my dad is my shining knight. when he asked me how everything was going (he's just got back from ANOTHER business trip) i told him what happened and straight away he said "scoob (that's his nickname for me) you need to give him space, if he doesn't want to come out with you then let him do his own thing or you'll push him away"

thanks pop, where have you been!?

jesus, it was so obvious yet no-one else had said it to me. hail to the "y" chromosome.

so i left a long voicemail message with my boyfriend (pre-daddy chats) and i haven't heard anything from him since we argued.

oh, i didn't mention that he told me he didn't love me? god, he was like a completely different person, it was insane. he was like one of his friends, who quite frankly is not in my good books. my boyfriend went out the night we argued and at 3am i got a text from his friend (the one not in my good books) that said "if you love him you'll do what's best and leave him"

WHAT.

don't get involved prick. the longest relationship you've ever had is with your hair. poncy bugger cheats on every girlfriend he somehow gets and terrorises the one's who actually care about him. it's shocking. and he's trying to give me advice? bitch please. what he doesn't know is that my boyfriend secretly hates him. ha. he thinks he knows everything. boy, you know nothing.

so i'm really not entirely sure what's going on. i feel like i'm in limbo. my boyfriend wouldn't cross the threshold to talk to me. just stood half in the doorway. and he wouldn't give me a hug! dude, that sucked. then he said "look, can you just go? i'm going out in a bit" then he proceded to wander round his house talking to his mum and getting ready to go out. so i cried a lot and walked away from the house. my friend had given me a lift to his so she got out the car and gave me a massive hug and when i looked up at the house, boyfriend and his mum were staring at me.

i really hope i don't lose him. especially because of his wanker "friend".

"we need to sort out thursday"

okay, so september comes and everyone leaves.

i have one thing to say about it all: I DO NOT LIKE IT.

everything has changed almost instantly. it's like the summer left and so did everyone else. stupid seasons.

so here's how it goes.

everything was completely fine, amazing actually. i had everything i ever wanted. i had my boyfriend who was perfect. i had the best friends i could ever find, i was going on a beautiful summer holiday with them and i never had to go to school again.

now? i've only just got my boyfriend back, it's a little different but it's still good. i still have my friends, all of them, but they're all changing. my best friend has a bug up her butt about something but she won't tell me what that is... and now everyone's disappearing off to university. i am terrified. my most fashionable friend started today, texting me at 11.30am to tell me that she was already in starbucks talking to an irish boy who was clearly in love with himself. my big brother (who isn't actually my big brother but acts like it) is leaving on saturday.

so far, that's what everyone's focused on. fashionista started uni today, sure, but she's only in london and she's living at home, so we're not losing her. big brother is going to manchester. on saturday. it's going to be so strange. his girlfriend sees him all the time and in our group, next to me and fashionista, she's one of the toughest chicks around. she's a mess without him and it's so sad that they have to be apart...

so on thursday we're all going out for leaving drinks for big brother. i'm not really sure how it's gonna go to be honest, it could be really sad or really fun... i really don't know... i'll let you know.

all i do know is that big brother has been there for two years, helping me with weird problems, giving me cigarettes when i didn't have any, missing school just to go to the park and play on the swings and then back to mine to drink beer. on a monday. i guess i'm also gonna miss the fact that he always looks out for me and does the "big brother conversation" with any guy who comes near me.

but he likes my boyfriend... so i guess i'll be okay.

"i've decided not to care"

i find it really funny how something massive can happen, yet there's a lot of massive not caring that goes with it... yet when something relatively small happens, the biggest fuss usually follows it.

my best friend found out today that there's something not right with her. it's hard to explain, mainly because it wasn't really explained to me very well, but i'm pretty sure even if i had everything written out in crayon i still wouldn't be able to tell it how it is. long story short, her entire genetic make-up is wrong. this has serious implications for her future, her kids are probably going to be affected by it, if she can have any.

but what i find insane, is that she doesn't seem to care?

yeah, there's nothing she can do about it at all but i feel like she should be a little bit more emotional about it. i'm happy that she's not falling apart at the seams but on the other hand, what if she does fall apart at the seams? later. when i'm not there to put everything back together?

this is pretty much what i do. i fix everything. since i was 15, life threw every possible piece of crap my way, so i had to deal with it when i was still a child. but i did, in bad ways, in good ways, in long ways, but i dealt. that's what i bring to my friends. experience in all kinds of shit so that i can help. i always, always help. there are very few times when i haven't had a clue how to help, and in those cases i've got so stressed out, purely because i can't do what i'm good at.

this is one of those times. this is one of those few things i just haven't been through. so i don't know how to help. my other issue is that she's had a lot of stuff to deal with in the last year. a monumental amount of absolute bollocks that no-one should have to deal with in one year, but she did, and she did it well.

now all of a sudden she's taking it out on the people she's holds dearest. maybe it's just the way she needs to cope, but we're her friends and it's almost like she's attacking us. i hate to be horrible about her, she's my best friend, but i suppose here is the only place where i can do it, since she'll never know about it. i hope.

the point is that she's different. since i got back with my boyfriend she hasn't been very forthcoming. one of my other friends really likes her and she completely crushed him yesterday without even batting an eyelid. her exact words today were "i've decided not to care". ouch.

i don't know, maybe it is her way of dealing with stuff, but if i'm completely honest, i'd rather she didn't. i'd rather she cried into my shoulder or went out and got drunk or whatever, but right now she needs people and i'm very worried that she's going to push people away.

"you too"

okay.

here's where it all starts. this is what's bothering me right now. normally, i'd post a really cryptic yet pointed status on facebook which expresses my feelings. however, last time i did that, it smacked me in the face. so now, i have absolutely no way of talking about how i feel without getting into trouble. except here. no-one knows my real name and no-one will know the people i'm talking about. safe, yes?

"you too"

in any respect, it's pretty blunt isn't it?

"have a lovely time!"
"you too"

it kind of feels like they don't care whether you have a good time, or to be quite frank, they don't want you to have a good time. they just want you to leave.

recently, i had a major breakup with my boyfriend. granted, we were only together for roughly five months, but still i loved him. so when we broke up, it came as a massive shock to me. he treated me like an angel, he told me i was his world, and the way he looked at me was amazing. even when i'd stayed over at his and i looked like absolute shit when i woke up, he'd still tell me i was beautiful.

so he broke up with me. i never thought anything could hurt that much. it honestly felt like one of my arms fell off. i begged him to stay with me, on my hands and knees no less (not my finest hour) and still he said sorry and walked out.

we're back together now. after a couple of weeks, a lot of tantrums, tears, texts and confusion, we are back together. he says he loves me and everything but it's so different now, i don't know what to do.

before, he'd do anything and everything for me. at the drop of a hat. now, he wants to keep his distance from me. he said "i need to miss you to love you". funny, i didn't realise love was conditional. it's awful, he feels sick when he's with me, feels sick when he's not with me, and now i feel sick without him too. it's so messed up.

has anyone ever been through this? because i'm not sure i can handle it.

me: i love you so much.
boyfriend: you too.

dude. not cool.